Welfare State

United Welfare State of Felines

The Welfare State and the Pecking Order

I witness social interactions between people each day and as most am fascinated by the natural interplay of cultural basis in those dealings.  It is amazing to witness Red Sox and Yankees fans living together without any routine bloodshed.  If society has managed to break that cycle of hate and evolve to a point where these two tribes – arguably the most strident of rivalries in all sports – than we can move forward together to solve another broader and larger issue that lies beneath our noses each and every day.

I speak of the pecking order.  Scientists may argue  – as they seem to get paid to as if they were some sort of legal mutant disorder that creates professional debaters with white coats, unattractive bears and thick glasses – that the pecking order is a natural one and therefore its sanctity inviolate.  However, in the case of those animals that are products of human domestication, hybridization, and selective breeding, don’t we, the co-creators, owe them a better life?

Creation of the Welfare State of Felines

Take for instant that delectable creation: the cat.  The pinnacle of human breeding and evolution that while a product of man’s meddling in creation has uniquely surpassed the dependence on their genetic architect.  No other species that is a result of man’s experimentation has prospered so well without his sustenance.  Dare I propose letting a cow, a dog, or a sheep to survive in nature for more than a month.  The dog might have a chance but it would not prosper, merely survive.  Cats have prospered to the point where they have impacted the natural population of rabbits, rodents, songbirds, and other species through predation in the tens of millions.

Therefore, we owe this successful species more commitment, more investment, a better quality of life, as they also deserve the opportunity to pursue happiness.  I propose we invest monies, through our dependable sponsor, the U.S. government, to immediately begin social shaping and breeding to eliminate the cat pecking order.  For certainly, there can be no happiness in the feline world until there is equality.  I am confident – and I am certain the scientific communities wealth of government funded studies will support me – that equality can be bred into the species and bullying bred out.

This proposal of equality was spawned by these past few mornings where I bore witness to a local melodrama involving a community of cats largely supported by an introverted neighbor whose sole identity is exposed by a pair of old slippers, scruffy ankles and an apparent inexhaustible budget for dry cat food.  At least half a dozen stray cats regularly yowl for food at her sliding glass door that is backed by a thick barrier of dirty shades ribboned by claws.  Their benefactor only answers on a scheduled basis and opens the door partially and rather reluctantly to dole out each cat’s share in said plates.

What is an interesting aspect of the cat’s behavior is that they are all completely able to fend for themselves for every meal.  In fact, the area where these now rotund animals lay around and wait for dirty ankles is festooned with a ripe population of exotic curly tailed lizards, breeding pairs of doves, anoles, and palmetto bugs the size of mice.  For some odd reason they deem it more suitable to wait for their meals than pursue them; certainly an inexplicable oddity in mammals.

While that behavior is unnatural and unique, the following behavior is all too recognizable: bullying.  No sooner is the food laid out then the larger cats take over, arching their backs and glowering at the smaller of the species and rather than sharing the plate, first taking their full and then striding off to let the next level of strength take theirs, until the weakest and most vulnerable get whatever is left over.  This of course, is a vicious cycle and circle where the strongest get stronger and the weakest weaker and can no longer be tolerated.  I, myself, do not understand why smelly slippers doesn’t give the top cats with their over-sized melon heads and swollen features a good kick and allow the smaller felines an opening to the former white paper plates.  If you are the sponsor, is it not your right to intervene when your subservient steps out of line?

Welfare State Requirement – You and me.

If we are to self emasculate and wholly depend on an omniscient organization then we must accept our choice of scruffy ankles, the old sandals’ schedule, and the feigned interest in our welfare.  No more does the robed and stubbly benefactor truly care for the cat’s welfare than do our career politicians that throw free phones at us in exchange for a vote every four years.

In the alleyways, the cats and ourselves forfeit our earned freedoms in exchange for an unhappy and purposeless life and take our frustrations on each other.  Meanwhile, the coiffed patricians in their white robes, limousines, and Ivory towers occasionally peer down through the clouds at the ruins below and shake their heads in amazement.  How is it, they wonder, that those born free and independent give over everything to others?

I wonder too.

Ham – OUT.



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